We have been going through all of our stuff lately, so we can get rid of things and pack our bags for Ecuador. While I was going through stuff I came across a scrapbook I made after my senior year of high school. When I was a senior my class went on a missions trip to the Dominican Republic, and in the section about the Dominican in my scrap book I found this prayer:
“November 20, 2003 1:30am.
Lord I think You are calling me to be a missionary. I can’t sleep because my mind is racing at this possibility. I have thought about it before, but have never taken it too seriously. I have never heard You so clearly, yet it scares me because I feel so inadequate. I hardly know what it means to be a missionary; I hardly know anything about You. I want to know you so much more and I want to be in the center of your will. So, I pray tonight that you would guide me and take my fear. Lead me in Your ways and continue to show me where You want me to be.”
I remember writing this prayer six years ago. Even more than that I remember sitting in a small classroom in the Dominican Republic sweating while listening to a missionary say he believed there were some of us seniors sitting in the room that were called to be missionaries. The Lord nudged me and spoke to me more clearly than He ever had up until that point in my relationship with Him. There was no denying that I had a calling upon my life. Up until that point I wanted to be a teacher. It was incredibly difficult to surrender that dream to Him because I had the dream of being a teacher since I was about five years old.
There have been quite a few things that have been difficult to surrender to the Lord while walking out what He has called me to. Living close to my family. A house. Money. Two cars. Having comforts and conveniences. The list goes on. Honestly, there have been seasons when if the Lord had not held me up and I did not have a wonderful husband and great friends, I would have walked away from this calling. I would have given it up to buy a house and have “security” from a “real” job. I really would have turned my back and run, far and fast, but the Lord, in His grace and mercy, called me again and comforted me with His promises.
Now as we prepare for our February fourth departure, once again I can’t sleep because my mind is racing. Racing at the thought that it has been six years since the Lord has called me and I am about to step into what He has. For six years He has been preparing me, teaching me, loving me, and growing me. He has brought me a wonderful husband that has a similar vision. He has blessed me with two boys that will be lights shinning in the darkness. He has allowed me to cross paths with great teachers, godly mentors and wonderful friends.
It is not that I have “arrived”, no, like in my prayer I still feel so inadequate and I have so much more to learn, but to see the fruit of six years is amazing. It is a milestone in my walk with the Lord. It has been a difficult and joyous journey and I am beyond excited to continue to walk with the Lord into this next season of life.
One more thought, when we got married I got pregnant on our honeymoon, which was unplanned and one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my life. At that point, I had really given up on ever becoming a teacher because I wanted to be a stay at home mom and didn’t finish my schooling. Well, now that we are heading to Ecuador the Lord is allowing me to step into a teaching role. I get to home school my brother-in-law, David, who is 14 and has down syndrome. The Lord is giving me back my dream I surrendered to Him and beyond that, my kids get to be involved, so I still get to be with them. So, the Lord is bringing me to Ecuador to be a missionary, but I get to be a stay-at-home mom, and a teacher…I never could have planned it so well myself.